All of this naturally leaves us with the obvious question: What the heck is this movie about?
There is much we do not know. For a time the only mock the plot available online said, simply, “Barbie lives in Barbie Land and then a story happens.” (??? How do you dare???)
This is what we know.
First, Barbie It is being directed by Greta Gerwig. Yes, indie wunderkind turned Oscar-nominated director Greta THEE Gerwig. With Gerwig writing and directing lady bird (2017) and Little woman (2019), which subverted women’s coming-of-age stories and featured Academy Award-nominated performances, it’s safe to say that whatever she’s planning is keeping Mattel executives up at night.
Robbie herself knows how fucked up this is. She said british fashion last year, “People usually hear ‘Barbie’ and think, ‘I know what that movie is going to be,’ and then they hear that Greta Gerwig is writing and directing it, and they’re like, ‘Oh, well, maybe I don’t .'”
(She is talking about me. I am people.)
Second, Gerwig wrote the script with his partner Noah Baumbach, another independent favorite, who is more famous for his Oscar-nominated films. The squid and the whale (2005) and marriage story (2019). Extravagant and melancholy divorce story CONFIRMED!
Third, the the cast is absolutely stacked – like, to a comical degree. Here are just SOME of the confirmed actors: Will Ferrell, Simu Liu, Kate McKinnon, Issa Rae, America Ferrera, Michael Cera, Rhea Perlman, soap star (and brother of Chris Evans) Scott Evans, Hari Nef, The crown star and Promising young woman principal Emerald Fennell, soon to be doctor who Ncuti Gatwa starand Gatwa Sex education co-stars Emma Mackey and Connor Swindells. We also have good reason to suspect Bridgerton Y derry girls star Nicola Coughlan will appearas much as Dua Lipa (?!) and Gerwig’s former collaborator Saoirse Ronan.
Fourth, the script is supposed to be incredible. Like, drop your other projects and get on board amazing. Marvel star Liu said GQ United Kingdom in May that he recorded an audition for the film himself after one of his agents became enthusiastic about the project. “He literally said this verbatim,” Liu said. “He told me: ‘If he could bet my career on a script, it would be the Barbie script. I really think you should do it.’”
Fifth, Aqua’s iconic 1997 song “Barbie Girl” will NOT be on the soundtrack. East horrifying The development is apparently due to decades of bad blood between the band and Mattel, who originally sued for copyright infringement. We can only assume that Gerwig plans to introduce Belle and Sebastian or Death Cab for Cutie instead.
So, with all these things in mind, and after another hour of looking at that Gosling photo, this is the best I could come up with for several Barbie plots:
Flamboyant and free-spirited Barbie (Margot Robbie) lives in Sacramento with her best friend Ken (Ryan Gosling), a gay man who has bleached his hair in a 27th birthday crisis. In order to fulfill their dream of moving to New York City and attending NYU, they pull off a series of robberies in which they dress up in sexy Western outfits.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) live in Barbie Land. When they witness a powerful mobster (America Ferrera) committing a murder, they are forced to go undercover at a cabaret show in Reno, Nevada, where they dress in sexy Western attire.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are futuristic human-like robots who don’t know they’re androids and live in a theme park called Barbie Land. Gradually, they go crazy and start killing guests, while wearing sexy western outfits.
Ken (Ryan Gosling) is married to Barbie (Margot Robbie) but discovers a portal through which he can inhabit the mind of Emerald Fennell (Promising young woman, The crown) while trying to write an adapted screenplay based on toy Barbies.
Margot Robbie plays Barbie, not Barbie the toy, but Barbie the character in which the toy is found in the toy story movies was based. The film features a brief gay kiss between Scott Evans and Ncuti Gatwa, who play gay astronauts married for whatever reason, which conservative commentator Ben Shapiro will later declare as “a sickening attempt to distract kids from the fact that they never We’ve had a gay kiss scene.” with Chris Evans.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) is a former teen star who grows up to marry Ken (Ryan Gosling), a theater director. They have a peculiar son (Michael Cera) who loves Halloween. When her storybook marriage falls apart, the divorce becomes a drawn-out legal matter involving expensive lawyers (Simu Liu and Issa Rae, in an Oscar-winning performance). Barbie eventually wins ownership of the Dreamhouse (voiced by Will Ferrell). Stripped, Ken sings Sondheim’s song “Losing My Mind” from crazy things.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) moves in with her spiraling mother (Kate McKinnon) to a Montana cattle ranch, where she is taken under the wing of Ken (Ryan Gosling), a cranky, weird-code cowboy. The film, shot in New Zealand, features a group of cowboys who look like Chippendales dancers running around in chaps and no shirts. sam elliott narrates.
Margot Robbie plays Barbie, a social media and reality TV superstar married to Ken-ye (Ryan Gosling). After moving into far-right commentary, Barbie meets Australian surfer Blaine (Pete Davidson in a yet-to-be-announced role).
When Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are invited to their Barbie Land High School 10-year reunion, they realize their frivolous, fashion-focused lives have been for nothing. Throughout a 90-minute montage sequence, they try out a series of careers (doctor, ballerina, princess, sexy cowboy, etc.) to land jobs that will really impress their former classmates.
Ken (Ryan Gosling) leaves Barbie (Margot Robbie) for me (David Mack). I’m also taking his convertible.
Hollywood power couple Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are pushed to their creative limits when they must abandon their conventional film backgrounds to write and direct a tongue-in-cheek independent script that satirizes the limits of intellectual property as a source of inspiration.
Barbie hits theaters July 21, 2023, the same day as Christopher Nolan’s WWII drama Oppenheimer, who will inevitably be crushed by this pink and sequined gay fever dream. WE WILL BE WATCHING.
Additional Chaotic Brainstorming by Tasneem Nashrulla.